Oct 15, 2008

Regrettable

A fist balled up close to his soft cheek. Eyes closed in dreamy abandon. One hand lovingly stroking my back. Gulping and grunting; enjoying every drop. A small dribble runs down his wee chin.

That's what Tucker looks like when he's eating. So happy and so content.



I only have a few regrets in life. I guess that since I've been here for 30 some years that having only a few is a good thing. One of my biggest regrets is that I couldn't breastfeed my babies. I tried wholeheartedly with each one and with each one, it seemed like they could never get enough to eat. I tried each time and each time turned myself over to failure. Why was such a natural thing so hard for me to do? I know that I made the right decision with each of them. The decision to keep them healthy and me sane, but I still feel like I have the right to mourn the inability to do that one simple act. We have 4 happy, healthy, intelligent babies and I know that we've done the best for them in every way, but I still feel like such a failure. Sometimes I think, if only I had tried a little bit harder; been more determined; not given up so easily, that we could have made it work. But it just didn't. So that's me...that's my regret...that's my failing point as a mother...that's something that I have to work through and get over and move on from. There it is...laid out there bare.

9 comments:

Shannon said...

I feel your pain. I tried for 2 weeks but my body just didn't produce enough to keep up with the demand. Add that to the fact that Colin would only latch on to one side made the whole process that much worse. I do regret giving up so quickly and hopefully be able to give it another shot with the next baby. You did what was best for your babies and that is what being a mama is all about.

Mrs. C said...

Of course breast milk is the best for a baby whenever possible. But I also think we get a little too dogmatic about these thinks, you know?

Tucker doesn't look like he's suffering too bad. ;]

I know what you mean about just letting those expectations go. Especially if you feel you're on your last baby...

~LL~ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
~LL~ said...

{{{HUGS}}} I have a few of those "Mommy regrets" myself. I keep telling myself that they are ONLY my regrets...they didn't harm, nor do they bother anyone else. But it is still hard. I think it is especially hard when we are done...because there are no more chances to rectify the situation. All you can do, I guess, is to live in the moment, enjoying every ounce of today. Yesterday can't be changed and tomorrow is uncertain. Hmmmm....now that I've depressed everyone...how 'bout that picture of the big toe? LOL!

Laura said...

Lisa, you did not fail your children by not breastfeeding them. You tried. That's more than many other women ever did. For one reason or another it just didn't work out. That's fine. I struggle every day with the fact that I did not actually birth my children. They were cut and pulled out of me, instead of me pushing them out. I felt like a failure for a long time. I discovered that it was the way it was. There is a lesson I am to learn from it. It's not bad or good, it just is.

Laura

T- said...

I believe we all have some regrets when it comes to Mommyhood, but some of them we simply cannot help. Nor does it make it our fault. You are an amazing Mommy!

Archie said...

it is not your fault that our hog assed kids were born looking for a fork and red meat.

heidi said...

I just spit my tea out at Archie's comment! HA! Funny man! Funny MAN!

Lisa - would you judge me for not having a natural birth? For not having a vaginal delivery? For not bfing my kids? No?? Then why judge yourself? We are so hard on ourselves, aren't we? We expect nothing less than perfection and are quick to point out (if only to ourselves) when we perceive failure.

Now, if you decided to NOT feed your kids? Then yeah, you'd suck. But you didn't - you chose to feed them and I Really think that's what counts, isn't it?

Much love.

Lisa said...

I just wanted to thank you all for the words of comfort and love. :)