A fist balled up close to his soft cheek. Eyes closed in dreamy abandon. One hand lovingly stroking my back. Gulping and grunting; enjoying every drop. A small dribble runs down his wee chin.
That's what Tucker looks like when he's eating. So happy and so content.
I only have a few regrets in life. I guess that since I've been here for 30 some years that having only a few is a good thing. One of my biggest regrets is that I couldn't breastfeed my babies. I tried wholeheartedly with each one and with each one, it seemed like they could never get enough to eat. I tried each time and each time turned myself over to failure. Why was such a natural thing so hard for me to do? I know that I made the right decision with each of them. The decision to keep them healthy and me sane, but I still feel like I have the right to mourn the inability to do that one simple act. We have 4 happy, healthy, intelligent babies and I know that we've done the best for them in every way, but I still feel like such a failure. Sometimes I think, if only I had tried a little bit harder; been more determined; not given up so easily, that we could have made it work. But it just didn't. So that's me...that's my regret...that's my failing point as a mother...that's something that I have to work through and get over and move on from. There it is...laid out there bare.