Dec 10, 2009

Jack Bauer and the Beanstalk

We love us some Jack Bauer and we love fairy tales. Especially Jack and the Beanstalk, mainly because it is the only fairy tale that I can remember the whole story to. For some reason, that story always holds the kids' attention so that I can muddle through some otherwise unsavory task like trimming toe nails or combing tangles out of hair. It must be the plot or at the very least the deep giant voice chanting "fee fi fo fum." I highly doubt that it would be my story telling skills.

Could you imagine a Jack Bauer version of the story?

**The following takes place between 6am and 7am.
Events happen in real time.

Once upon a time in a city called LA, there lived a gun-toting, no holds barred special agent named Jack Bauer. Jack's mother asked Jack to go to town to sell the family cow, the last family possession. He knew that this was the wrong move. "Dammit mom, we need a better plan. The terrorists will seize this cow as soon as I leave the building." Speaking into his magical PDA ... "Chloe, get me the schematics for this building and any known aliases of this cow. I want back-up surveillance and an air unit ready to pull Bessie at the slightest hint of something going wrong."

Flash forward, Jack strangles the peddler with the 5 magical beans using a cordless phone, stabs him in the eye with a ball point pen and makes him divulge the location of 6 nuclear bombs brought to the US by the Russians working for the South Africans. He sends Bessie safely back to CTU.

After carefully implanting the magical beans with a tracking device, he has a field agent plant the beans. Before the beans can grow, an internal spy working for the Chinese takes the beans' family hostage in an attempt to prevent them from growing. Jack finds the internal leak and uses his dead body as fertilizer to make the beans grow faster.

The beanstalk is subpoenaed for further questioning while back-up units storm the Giant's castle. They find the giant gone and a bomb planted in the Giant's entryway. Half of the CTU field agents die and Jack Bauer is captured by the Canadian mafia.

In the end, Jack kills the giant, the terrorists and his own mother; recovers the stolen nukes, magical beans and the giant's gold before hoisting his government issued messenger bag full of guns over his chest and diving off of a cliff into shark-infested water.

The end.


Kelli @ RTSM said...

HILARIOUS! We just started watching 24 with Netflix....and we love Jack Bauer!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Oh my goodness! That made me laugh so hard! I am going to send some of my friends to read it!

The Stiffs said...

That is too funny! I want to be Jack Bauer when I grow up.

Archie said...

have you been in my beer again?

Shannon said...

LOL!!! You have quite the imagination!! You really do need to write a book some day.

McCryssy said...

HI-LARIOUS!!! I want some of whatever it is you had today :)

Kristin said...

Ahhhhhhh Jack. That used to be our show. But the year and a half hiatus killed it and we never went back. Sigh.

Jenners said...

This is soooo fun! Is there any chance I can borrow the concept for Fun & Game with Jenners? I would totally credit you and reprint your story if you say OK! Please ... pretty please ... with a cherry on top?

JennyMac said... Hub loves this show. I admit I have watched it only once.

This is awesome.

Kari said...


Weeble's Wobble said...

Hey, I'm Rachelle's sister in law and just bloghopping. I LOVED this post. It made my day haha. Can't wait for Jan 17. Jack Bauer is my hero.