Jack Bauer and the Beanstalk

We love us some Jack Bauer and we love fairy tales. Especially Jack and the Beanstalk, mainly because it is the only fairy tale that I can remember the whole story to. For some reason, that story always holds the kids' attention so that I can muddle through some otherwise unsavory task like trimming toe nails or combing tangles out of hair. It must be the plot or at the very least the deep giant voice chanting "fee fi fo fum." I highly doubt that it would be my story telling skills.

Could you imagine a Jack Bauer version of the story?

**The following takes place between 6am and 7am.
Events happen in real time.

Once upon a time in a city called LA, there lived a gun-toting, no holds barred special agent named Jack Bauer. Jack's mother asked Jack to go to town to sell the family cow, the last family possession. He knew that this was the wrong move. "Dammit mom, we need a better plan. The terrorists will seize this cow as soon as I leave the building." Speaking into his magical PDA ... "Chloe, get me the schematics for this building and any known aliases of this cow. I want back-up surveillance and an air unit ready to pull Bessie at the slightest hint of something going wrong."

Flash forward, Jack strangles the peddler with the 5 magical beans using a cordless phone, stabs him in the eye with a ball point pen and makes him divulge the location of 6 nuclear bombs brought to the US by the Russians working for the South Africans. He sends Bessie safely back to CTU.

After carefully implanting the magical beans with a tracking device, he has a field agent plant the beans. Before the beans can grow, an internal spy working for the Chinese takes the beans' family hostage in an attempt to prevent them from growing. Jack finds the internal leak and uses his dead body as fertilizer to make the beans grow faster.

The beanstalk is subpoenaed for further questioning while back-up units storm the Giant's castle. They find the giant gone and a bomb planted in the Giant's entryway. Half of the CTU field agents die and Jack Bauer is captured by the Canadian mafia.

In the end, Jack kills the giant, the terrorists and his own mother; recovers the stolen nukes, magical beans and the giant's gold before hoisting his government issued messenger bag full of guns over his chest and diving off of a cliff into shark-infested water.

The end.